O is for Optimism
Optimism is something I've always had a little trouble with. I've always claimed to be an oh so knowledgeable 'realist' when in fact, I often pass my pessimism off as realistic beliefs.
To things such as relationships, injuries, heartbreak, failure, I've always said 'when' rather than 'if'. In relationships I always say 'when' we break up; when I hear that back in my head I realise how horrible it must sound to them. How it must sound like I have such little faith in our relationship, it's not that I don't believe in my relationships, it's almost my way of saying I'm predicting I'll get hurt - I suppose it's the last little guard I have up.
I've always found people who are optimistic quite fascinating, that sounds strange, but in my head to be 'realistic' is to avoid disappointment, and optimism is a way to guarantee it. But I think in some situations realism really doesn't exist, you can't predict the future and that's almost what I'm attempting to do when I say, 'well, when I fail this essay...'. My pessimism also makes me not try as hard as I could, not put all I am into my work, even my relationships, all in aid to avoid disappointment and hurt. Which, now I'm a bit older I can see is quite a sad thing, I don't do as well in things because I assume I won't, I don't let my guard down entirely, because I think it'll end in hurt.
I think it's about time I started looking on the bright side of life, to start believing in myself, to not predict when my relationship is going to end - yeah I even go as far to do that on occasions - but to now see every glass as half full, and fill it to the top with positive thoughts about myself and everything I do.